This is one of those things that is so lame it’s hard to believe it’s not fake. Unfortunately it is very very real. In an attempt at humor (I guess) Hillary Clinton said that the reason she doesn’t sweat is because…well, she’s a robot.
Doing a podcast with Buzzfeed’s Another Round, Clinton showed she is as bad at comedy as she is at running for president. For some reason, the interviewers were obsessed with Hillary’s sweat glands and her deodorant preference. You know, because when you have the chance to talk with a major political candidate you should waste that time talking about bodily functions.
As the conversation was going nowhere, one of the interviewers tried to switch things up and that’s when everything went south:
Another Round: OK. This is an odd question that I lobbied for a lot because it’s one of my favorite questions to ask people. If you don’t have an answer, that’s fine, but I will be a little sad. What’s the weirdest thing about you?
Hillary Clinton: The weirdest thing about me is that I don’t sweat.
Another Round: Obviously. Best argument for Hillary as a robot: zero sweat.
Hillary Clinton: You guys are the first to realize that I’m really not even a human being. I was constructed in a garage in Palo Alto a very long time ago. People think that, you know, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, they created it. Oh no. I mean, a man whose name shall remain nameless created me in his garage.
Another Round: Are there more of you?
Hillary Clinton: I thought he threw away the plans, at least that’s what he told me when he programmed me — that there would be no more. I’ve seen more people that kind of don’t sweat, and other things, that make me think maybe they are part of the new race that he created: the robot race.
Another Round: So there’s a cyborg army is what you’re saying.
Hillary Clinton: But you have to cut this, you can’t tell anybody this. I don’t want anybody to know this. This has been a secret until here we are in Davenport, Iowa, and I’m just spillin’ my electronic guts to you.
Since this is so unfunny, maybe Hillary is actually being honest for once. Perhaps she really is a robot. It would certainly explain a few things, though it does bring up more questions. Then again, that’s how it is with Hillary; her explanations always raise more questions than they answer.
She mentioned Bill Gates, who is not known for his work in robotics, but made a mint from terrible software. If she is a robot, clearly her operating system is Windows Millennium Edition. That’s why she sucks so bad, is not user-friendly, and crashes all the time.
It would also explain why Hillary’s husband Bill has had so many forced and unforced extramarital affairs. Maybe it just can’t work physically between the two, especially if she isn’t equipped with a USB (Universal Slot for Bill) port. While the Clintons have “evolved” on the gay marriage issue, they apparently aren’t ready to cross the robo/human relationship threshold.
On the flipside of that, one has to wonder why someone with the technology and know-how to create a semi-realist cyborg would make such a physically unappealing specimen. You’d think a super-nerd like this would create something in the vein of borg Seven of Nine from Star Trek: Voyager, not a flabby bridge troll.
The good news is that if Hillary Clinton really is a robot that means Bill Clinton actually told the truth once. Remember when he claimed his wife was not a zombie? Well, if she is a robot, that is true. Good job Bill.