There’s a lot of talk about justice reform on the left, but this is ridiculous. Wet willies are now criminal offenses and noogies are serious ethics violations. It’s only a matter of time before swirlies, purple nurples, and wedgies are criminalized. Don’t even get me started on “assault” spitballs and racist Indian burns. I’m not going to let this happen without a fight. They can take my wedgie when they pry my underwear from my cold dead ass.
First, there is this story from The Tribune about a California lawmaker who likes giving noogies:
State Sen. John Moorlach, R-Costa Mesa, promises he will stop giving noogies to members of the public. The vow comes in response to a formal complaint that he delivered an unwelcome noogie while posing for a photo.
An investigation into the matter confirmed the woman’s allegation that he put her in a headlock and gave her a noogie on one occasion, which she said made her feel uncomfortable.
In a letter sent to Moorlach earlier this week and released publicly on Friday, the Senate Rules Committee urged him to discontinue the practice.
“The behavior, while not sexual in nature, was clearly unwelcome,” the Senate Rules Committee concluded.
Just so we are all clear on this: a lawmaker gave a playful noogie to someone and the California State Senate not only launched an investigation but also issued an ethics complaint and a censure.
Moorlach told investigators he frequently engages in noogies. Pictures of him engaging in the practice have appeared on social media, and he said that it is done in fun and “usually goes viral.” The committee urged him to take the matter more seriously, and he responded by confirming he will put an end to the practice.
“I am a fun-loving individual who is guilty of occasional playfulness. I apologize for giving a ‘noogie’ to someone who requested a photo. It was done during a light-hearted moment with others present. However, I will discontinue this innocent and gregarious behavior in the future,” said Moorlach.
So noogies are close to sexual assault in California, but wet willies are actual assault in Florida. Check out this oddly mild “Florida Man” story from TC Palm:
A 47-year-old man was jailed after allegations he gave his girlfriend a “wet willy,” an affidavit states.
Joseph Sireci, of the 1000 block of Trinidad Avenue in Fort Pierce, was arrested on a battery charge after the Aug. 15 incidents.
A St. Lucie County sheriff’s deputy went to Sireci’s listed address. His girlfriend said Sireci was drunk on the living room floor when she got home from work.
The girlfriend said Sireci accompanied her and her daughter to another home where Sireci “continued to drink and be belligerent,” an affidavit states.
On the way home, she said, Sireci started grabbing her hand and pulling her arm.
Further, she said Sireci “continued by giving her a ‘wet willy’ sticking his finger in her ear,” an affidavit states.
If he would have threatened to wipe a booger on her, he could have been charged with a hate crime.
In defense of this guy, the news and the affidavit makes no mention of him licking his finger before sticking it in his girlfriend’s ear. A wet willy has to involve saliva, so at the very worst this was a dry wily, which isn’t even a thing. Also, even if there was spit involved I have to believe that as boyfriend and girlfriend, these two have exchanged fluids before and probably a lot grosser than a wet willy.
I kind of don’t know what to say about all of this. We have reached a point in history where immature shenanigans are now criminal offenses and serious ethics violations. It’s only going to get worse and soon “Guess what? Chicken butt” and “Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made” will considered hate speech.