We give Millennials a lot of crap for their obsession with weird food avocado toast but that’s nothing compared to what some people are eating these days. I’m talking baby shit, sausages made from human blood, human feet, and even human scrotum. It kind of makes that eating Tide Pods thing seem pretty normal, doesn’t it?
First up is this thing from The Times:
The latest probiotic drink: a baby poo smoothie
It’s healthy, it’s organic, it already comes at a smoothie-like consistency — and it uses a resource that we would otherwise just throw away. What’s not to like about the latest promising probiotic supplement?
Well, there’s the fact that it comes out of a baby’s bottom.
Scientists have created a health “cocktail” made from scouring the nappies of infants and then culturing the bacteria they find within.
I’ll pass. True story: the first time I changed my son’s diaper, I threw up when the stench hit my nose. Coincidentally enough, that was also the last time I changed his diaper.
That’s pretty bad, but check this story from The Sun about a woman who made sausage from her own blood:
Last month Gwen van der Zwan, from the Netherlands, tried cannibalism for the first time.
However, she’s no Hannibal Lecter and no humans were hurt in the making of her dinner.
Instead, she made the meal from her own blood – which she had painstakingly drained into a medical bag that day – after becoming fascinated with the idea of trying a human sausage.
“Why is my idea considered disgusting, but doing the same thing with pigs’ blood isn’t?” she asked at the time.
I guess the easiest answer is because pigs are not humans.
There was more of this. The Sun also brought the story of a guy who served his severed foot for dinner to his friends:
In June, a 38-year-old man took to Reddit to share the story…of a dinner party where his friends tucked into a meal made from his amputated foot.
After a motorbike accident in 2016, he had the smashed limb cut off – and doctors let him keep it.
Then, three weeks later, he threw a brunch for ten willing friends where the main course was tacos made from the flesh which had been amputated.
I guess human foot is like beef in that it must be aged to yield maximum tastiness. Generally weird and exotic meat is described as tasting like chicken, but the human foot meat apparently tasted like buffalo. Why not just eat some buffalo?
And finally, I saved the worst for last from WRAL:
A North Carolina woman accused of trying to bite off her ex-boyfriend’s testicles has been found not guilty of malicious castration.
…a jury also cleared 54-year-old Martinne Delavega on an assault charge Thursday.
The man testified Tuesday that he punched her head to stop her as she bit his chest and arms and ripped open his scrotum during an argument in September 2015. He says he still has psychological and physical problems.
I’ll bet he does.
Here’s the quote of the day concerning the scrotum-snacking incident;
Delavega’s attorney Matt Silva says the verdict is “a poor definition of victory,” given that she “endured three years of being vilified.”
She bit open a man’s scrotum and was found not guilty. She should be vilified and if that’s not a huge victory, I don’t know what is. This court case actually sets a legal precedent that chomping on someone’s ball sack in North Carolina is not a crime. Look for this new trend to really take off like when marijuana was legalized in several states.
Because hipsters and Millennials like craft beers that taste like shoe polish, traditional American breweries are struggling. I have a feeling this baby poop/human flesh fad is going to similarly push family restaurants to the brink. Sure, Denny’s will probably try out a toenail scramble served in a dirty diaper skillet, but it won’t be ironic enough to attract hipsters.